Grief Counselling: Working Through Bereavement and Loss

Grief is a journey, not a destination to reach.

So, is there a right way to grieve? And how can you feel supported on your journey through grief?

What does grief feel like?

Although grief is universal, no two people will feel it, absorb it or come to terms with it in the same way. It could be a tsunami of emotions (anger, guilt, pain, resentment, sadness), all of it one giant wave that keeps sweeping over you. Or it could be a silent, still sea, where you are unable to reach your emotions and feelings at all.

There really isn’t a correct way to grieve. As we move along the journey, we discover new emotions, and new ways to carry the love forward without trying so hard to erase the pain.

In the early stages of grief, a grieving person may feel completely shattered, disbelieving, or even numb. An emotion may keep returning over time. A single day may bring intense anger over why this happened to you, anger towards the loved one you have lost, and an intense guilt about not having had the chance to do more, or somehow change what happened.

Or, for some of us, there may be no such intense emotions at all. There may be a need to hold the fort, to be strong, and a sense of responsibility to hold other family members together while mourning the loss quietly.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five stages of grief that we may experience in our grieving process. We don’t necessarily move through them in a straight line. They may overlap, arrive in a different order, or all be felt at once.

• Denial and disbelief: finding it difficult to comprehend that your loved one is no longer here.
• Anger: feeling angry about the loss, the circumstances surrounding it, or the unfairness of what has happened.
• Bargaining: revisiting the past, wondering what might have been different, or wishing you could somehow change what happened.
• Sadness and depression: experiencing deep sorrow, loneliness, or a sense of emptiness as you learn to live with the loss.
• Acceptance: gradually beginning to acknowledge the reality of the loss, and finding ways to live alongside it.

In all honesty, there is no right or wrong emotion. Each one is authentic and valid to the person feeling it.

What matters for someone grieving the loss of a loved one is how they feel inside, within their own grief, and that may be completely different from what friends and family see from the outside.

Common challenges when coping with loss

Grief within a community. Every community has its own grieving rituals, and we may or may not feel aligned with them. Whatever ritual we choose to mourn our loved one is a personal choice, and every choice is sacred and valid.

Family attachments and grieving rituals. Even within our families, each of us may grieve differently, and want different rituals. We may be experiencing the loss together, yet each person experiences and expresses grief in their own way. It is not uncommon for family members to fall out for a while over how they want to remember their loved one.

Different ways of remembering a loved one. An aunt’s friend chose not to have a formal prayer meet. Instead, they held a “celebration of life”, where an intimate circle of friends and family came together to talk about how their mother lived, reminiscing about the small things, and about how, as an immigrant, she battled every odd to educate her girls.

The relationship with oneself and one’s identity. How do we come to terms with the loss, and with ourselves? Our relationship with ourselves, and our sense of who we are, may change. Maybe I don’t know who I am without the person I loved the most. That too is a vulnerable and real feeling, and it needs to be approached gently.

Feeling pressured or ashamed. Some of us may feel pressured, even ashamed, for not finding our way while others seem to. The world rushes by, deadlines have to be met, and you feel frozen in time.

Guilt about feeling happy. Sometimes we are caught off guard by a moment of happiness or joy, and then feel ashamed, even consumed by guilt. Am I betraying the person I loved the most? How can I move on so fast without them?

There is no need to rush yourself towards a version of healing that someone else has defined for you. Healing may involve finding ways to acknowledge the loss, express what you feel, and gradually make room for life alongside the absence.

Healthy ways to navigate grief

1. Find rituals that feel meaningful to you

Rituals can help us honour the person we have lost, and create moments of connection with their memory.

For some, this may mean prayer, visiting a meaningful place, lighting a diya, cooking a loved one’s favourite meal, or gathering with family and friends.

For others, it may be writing a letter, looking through photographs, keeping a journal, or finding a quiet moment to remember.

You may choose traditional rituals, create your own, or find that certain rituals don’t feel right for you. There is no obligation to grieve in a particular way. What matters is whether the practice offers you a sense of meaning, connection, or comfort.

2. Allow yourself to experience your emotions

Grief counselling is not about eliminating grief, or asking you to suppress your feelings. It offers a space where you can begin to understand your experience and make room for it.

You may want to talk about your sadness, anger, guilt, fear, or resentment. You may want to speak about the relationship itself: the love, the difficult moments, the things left unsaid, and the memories you continue to carry.

You may also find that you don’t know what you feel, or where to begin. That is okay, too. You don’t have to arrive at counselling with the right words or a clear understanding of your emotions.

Sometimes, simply having someone sit with you in your experience, without trying to fix it or hurry you through it, can be a meaningful place to start.

3. Give yourself permission to take life one step at a time

After a significant loss, ordinary life can feel unfamiliar. You may need to rediscover routines, make decisions that once felt simple, or learn to navigate milestones without the person who used to be beside you.

These firsts can be especially hard: the first birthday, the first festival, the first family gathering, or the first time something wonderful happens and you can’t share it with them the way you once did.

You don’t have to figure out how to manage every future milestone today. It may help to focus on what feels manageable now, while giving yourself the flexibility to change your plans when you need to.

Some days, taking a small step forward may feel possible. On other days, resting and allowing yourself to feel the absence may be what you need. Both can be part of learning to live with loss.

4. Consider grief counselling or a support group

Grief can feel isolating, especially when the people around us have returned to their routines, or don’t know how to respond to our pain.

Grief counselling offers a supportive space to explore the loss at your own pace. It can help you:

• Express thoughts and feelings that may be difficult to share elsewhere.
• Explore guilt, anger, sadness, fear, and unresolved questions.
• Understand how the loss has affected your identity, relationships, and everyday life.
• Find ways through difficult dates, memories, and life transitions.
• Gradually integrate the loss into your life, without feeling that you must forget the person you loved.
• Reconnect with meaning, relationships, and experiences that still matter to you.

A support group may also offer the comfort of being with others who understand something of what you are going through.

You don’t need to wait until your grief becomes unbearable to seek support. Nor is there a deadline after which you should no longer need it. Perhaps the loss happened years ago, but a new life transition, a difficult anniversary, or an unspoken memory has brought your feelings to the surface again.

You are allowed to seek support whenever you feel you need it.

You don’t have to leave your loved one behind to move forward

Grief is not about forgetting someone, or reaching a point where their absence no longer matters. It is about finding a way to live with the reality of the loss, while making room for your own life to continue.

Some days, this may feel possible. On other days, it may feel impossibly difficult.

There is no right or wrong time to begin seeking support, and there is no single path that everyone must follow.

Grief counselling offers a space where you can bring your whole experience: the love, the pain, the unanswered questions, the memories, and even the moments when you feel unsure of what comes next.

You don’t have to make sense of everything at once. You don’t have to be strong all the time. And you don’t have to navigate this journey alone.

Sometimes, healing begins not with finding an answer, but with having a safe space where you can be exactly as you are.